There is no celebrating of Caitlyn’s Birthday, it is too hard. Every April I fear as it approaches. The day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute memories flood my mind. There is not a day that passes that Caitlyn’s memories aren’t with me, but in April it is at a deeper level.
I got sick with Preeclampsia and HELLP Syndrome April 4, Caitlyn was born April 5, Caitlyn was then diagnosed with NEC April 15, Caitlyn passed away April 16 – Easter Sunday, then her funeral was April 19. Depending upon when Easter falls, Easter Sunday is never a day I want to celebrate.
There are many parents that come together with loved ones and do special events to honor their babies, but I can’t. I do feel some guilt in that but it is too hard for me and honestly too hard for my family. I can’t imagine us ever doing anything, rather we all do something in our own way, alone. Every April, on all of her days I go to where Caitlyn is buried. I spend time with her and leave flowers, there is always other flowers. For us, this is how we cope.
For the first three years I never worked on Caitlyn’s Birthday or the day she passed away. Now I do, but it is not easy, nor will it ever be. I know many remember her days and that helps me. I miss Caitlyn more than many can imagine, I wish it she was my beautiful 6-year-old school girl.