The pain and emptiness of losing my daughter, Caitlyn, never leaves. It is strange to say, but I think that the pain and emptiness I feel makes her seem closer to me, as if she is always there. Between my website and the Facebook Group for NEC, it keeps me psychologically closer to her spirit. It allows my emotions to come to surface rather than keeping them inside.
Online gives me the choice when I can turn it on, and turn it off. For me personally, I never found therapy one-on-one helped and group therapy always makes me think I’d be on my knees crying the whole time and never able to get off the floor. It’s been six years since Caitlyn passed away in my arms and I know time does not heal, but it does teach us to live again. A new way. It’s a choice because everything moves forward around you. Is life better? No, but I find happiness and strength through others.
Recently a Mom posted on the Facebook page that she was raising money for the Ronald McDonald House. When her daughter got NEC at one- month-old she was transferred to a hospital far from home. The Ronald McDonald House gave them a place to stay, free of charge. Helping this mom helps me because during this awful journey the last thing from anyone’s mind should be where can we stay and how much money do we need. All the communication I do with other parents through my site keeps Caitlyn inside of me. When I started it I did believe it was her wish.
This month we celebrate Father’s Day and this day is worth celebrating to so many, but for so many it means pain. Since Caitlyn passed away in the April, soon after came Mothers’ Day, followed by Fathers’ Day. Neither day was the way we ever thought it would be. We knew we couldn’t close the blinds and hide in our house those days as we ourselves had parents. You move through the motions, numb in a sense. No day is easy, but anniversaries, holidays and special days are just more raw for emotion.
Time has taught us how to live again. Somehow we do.