I like to write lists. Then write them again because I’ve either left the list at home and I’m at work, or it’s in my other jeans pocket, or I wrote it on a receipt and ended up throwing it out thinking it was garbage, or I’ve just completely lost it. Either way, writing things down clears my mind – even if it has been the same list five times.
So when I found out I had ruptured my membranes, (pPROM) at 21 weeks and a few days gestation, I was completely freaked out. My mind was reeling; I was in instant tears and a state of confusion. What did this mean? My water hadn’t broke, how could I have lost all the fluid surrounding my baby? Was there even a chance of survival? It turned out I had a slow leak and therefore never realized this until I started throwing up and then bleeding. I rushed to the hospital and was told our baby had very little chance of even making it to 24 weeks of viability. I hated that word: “viable. “ I also hated all of the statistics and feeling alone.
To help wrap my head around everything, I turned to the internet. I found wonderful support through a group on Facebook, and from there a link to a few blogs. It was incredibly helpful to read about others who had been or were going through the same thing. I had never really understood the land of blogs. Never knew much about it, never subscribed to any of them, and never really thought that I’d want to write one someday. But write I did.
Creating my blog was like writing my lists. It helped me clear my mind. In the beginning it was a way to get everything out that I was feeling and to try to sort through it. It was also a way of keeping our friends and family updated. It has since turned into not only a way to clear my mind, but to also to remember and reflect on everyday moments in our lives. Hopefully it will be something our son and his future family will one day look back on and discover all that he overcame and the true miracle that he is.
I encourage you to keep a blog, or a diary, or a few lists of randomness. You don’t have to be clever or witty, you don’t have to try to write down every single detail and get discouraged or overwhelmed by what you didn’t include, (although sometimes it does happen so forgive yourself!) and you don’t have to please anyone with what you include. It can be just for you.