I am all for breastfeeding. I am amazed by the life-saving power of breast milk, that I have witnessed first hand. I know that breast milk is both nutrition and medicine especially for the tiniest of babies. I understand why it is referred to as liquid gold. And yet somehow this description falls short when you are agonizing over every single ounce. So you would probably assume that I breastfed my twins…well not exactly.
I fell into a gray area when it came to breastfeeding, I was an exclusive pumper. Perhaps it was my own insecurity, but I never felt like I should say I breastfed without a long clarifying statement. My twins were born at 28 weeks. Much too small and fragile to eat by mouth, let alone to latch and suck. So like many preemie mommas, I started pumping. I wasn’t sure that I would be able to produce any milk after such a traumatic and early birth, but I had to try. The NICU staff that were caring for my twins stressed the importance of every drop. They said my preemies needed more calories and nutrients to help them grow quickly. Breast milk was one of the best ways to help reduce the risk of NEC, build immunity, and prevent infection.
After a day or two, it finally started to work. It went from, “I think there might be something in the bottle,” to a full ounce, then two. Those sweet nurses cheered over any amount of milk I was able to express, which was promptly walked down the hall to the NICU.
Soon the day came when I was ready to leave the hospital, but my babies were not. It is a heart-wrenching experience to leave the hospital no longer pregnant, but without a baby. I had to rely on the nurses to tell me how my babies were doing, to show me how to care for them, and to give me permission to hold them. But the one thing that only I could provide was breast milk. I felt like I couldn’t do much for my babies while they were in the NICU, but I could pump. So that’s what I did.
Each morning I drove to the NICU with a cooler packed full of milk. It certainly wasn’t easy. I was setting alarms and waking up multiple times a night to pump for 30 minutes and fill those tiny hospital-supplied bottles with milk. I bought another freezer to store all the bottles until they were needed at the hospital. I thought I would continue to pump until they were released from the hospital. And two months later when they were, I didn’t quit. When one of my twins was diagnosed with an intolerance to dairy, I was advised to cut all the common food allergens from my diet if I was going to continue to feed them breast milk. I drastically changed my diet and eliminated dairy, tree nuts, soy, and shellfish.
For 15 months, pumping for my twins was a huge part of my life. I pumped inside, I pumped outside. I pumped in the car, while washing bottles, and while feeding babies. I pumped with clogged milk ducts. I even was able to pump while sleeping. Pumping was important to me; it made me feel like a mother. When I had very little to give my preemies in the NICU, pumping for them gave me a sense of purpose. When I had very little control over their care and their health, I felt empowered by my ability to provide something they needed. When I felt like my body had failed in growing my babies to term, I felt it redeemed itself by producing a perfect food for them. So even though it was hard and time-consuming, I never gave up.
Did I breastfeed my twins? Well not in its purest form. What ended up being true for us was not the picture of a mother with her child at her breast. It was a compromise. The process was vastly different, but the end results essentially the same. So this month as we celebrate breastfeeding and raise awareness of its benefits, remember the exclusive pumpers. We want to be seen. We want to join in on the stories and perspectives of nourishing our children. And we want to share our stories, just as soon as we find an outlet to plug in our breast pumps!
As a mother of a 30 weeker and an exclusive pumper, thank you for this. I exclusively pumped for my daughter for over a year and struggled with producing enough milk. I had to supplement with formula as well, but pumped every drop that I could. I pumped in the middle of the night, at work, in the car, on a plane, in the middle of an old lava field in Hawaii, while getting my hair cut, under a cover at family events because I was tired of sequestering myself to a bedroom bymyself – I pumped everywhere. And while I am extremely proud of how healthy my daughter became on the milk that I was able to pump for her and for reaching my goal of pumping for at least a year, it was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. I wanted to breastfeed, to have that close bond, to be able to feed and nourish my child no matter where we were, but it just wasn’t in the cards for us.
So thank you for shedding some light on a different breastfeeding experience – breastfeeding or exclusively pumping – both come from a place of immense love.
I’m so glad this resonated with you! Pumping mommas are tough. Thanks for your comment.
Exclusive pumping is breastfeeding, period. Don’t ever doubt your experience as being anything other than breastfeeding, you simply did not nurse. It is now 2018 and women like us who have babies who are unable to latch (or women who choose to EP) are able to provide breastmilk to our little ones. Pumps are now so advanced that some are able to sustain milk production long term (even years) and are able to establish robust supplies that enable some women to donate milk for other babies!
Our children are breastfed, we are breastfeeding mothers. Pumping is a variation of breastfeeding and it is time for the breastfeeding community to validate and include our experiences and voices. I have nursed and exclusively pumped for my children, both journeys have had similar joys and hardships. Happy breastfeeding!
Yes! Feeding a baby has difficult moments regardless of how it is done. Thank goodness there are many feeding options, so we all can find what is right for us.
I feel that pumping is definitely breastfeeding, but without the cozy benefits of nursing. If you have pumped for your preemie, you have given him/her a great gift and you should never doubt that just because he/she wasn’t at your breast.
When my twins were born at 28 weeks, I was convinced of the extreme importance of giving my children my milk. And so, I pumped…and pumped…and pumped some more. But by the time they were a little over 2 months old, and the doctor said, “You can try to nurse them once a day now to see if they are strong enough – but if not go back to bottles,” I was done with pumping. I had a 1 year old daughter and premature twins, I was trying to care for them all and recuperate after a traumatic birth, and pumping was just too much for me. And the nursing did NOT go well, to say the least. So, they were on my milk for a bit longer, but after that were switched to formula. I always felt guilty for stopping to pump and not trying to nurse – maybe I should have tried a little longer, a bit harder – but intellectually I know that it was just impossible for me to keep everything up. As a wise person told me then, “Your children need a mother more than your babies need your milk.” It’s hard to accept that, but it was the truth.
Hearing the selflessness and sacrifice of other mothers who pushed themselves to pump long-term makes me feel like I should have done the same.
Oh Lee, I hope I didn’t contribute to your guilt! My intention is always to celebrate all preemie and multiple moms. I, myself, feel guilty that I never tried to nurse my twins. But what is important is a healthy Momma, and so we all have to consider ourselves too! Fed is best. I hope your twins are doing well.
I am an exclusive pumper of a 33-weeker. I can’t tell you how much your article resonates with me. I am still exclusively pumping, 11 months and counting. I recently wrote an article on the practical implications of pumping in my profession (https://www.law.com/dailybusinessreview/2018/08/07/a-new-mothers-guide-to-pumping-during-a-jury-trial/) It can be done! Thank you for this!
Good for you…keep it up! I’m looking forward to reading your article.
This is the most beautiful thing I have read. I’m the mom of a 24 weeker and in two weeks I will have been pumping for three years.
Thank you! I’m so glad you enjoyed it. Pumping for 3 years is amazing! I’m very proud of you!