How life changes with Infant Loss….

October 3, 2012

Life does change after losing your child, forever.  The world you knew crashes, crumbles and is never put back together.  Life has changed, different and will never be the same.  It is a new different, not the one you wanted but the one you have to live with the choice to live it.

I never would have thought this would happen to me, but who would?  Losing Caitlyn would never have been something I would have wanted to know was going to happen.  When we said our wedding vows, never did we think of the power of those words would be at core of rock bottom.  It was hard to look at our wedding photographs for years as we seemed so happy and unknowing of what was ahead.

What I do know is that there is never a day that passes that I wish it had been different.  That Caitlyn should be 6 years old enjoying her summer and being a wonderful big sister and cousin.  That she would be going to “Back to School” shopping with me this fall.

My heart, soul, mind, my entire being misses Caitlyn and there is not a moment that passes that I don’t feel her next to me.  She gives me strength, that I know.  I couldn’t be here today if she did not give me that.  She is my pillar when I am weak, and my angel whenever I need her.  When I look at her picture it is so hard to believe she was taken from us, just left us with a dark space in our soul.

Life is forever changed, not for the better, different.  You can survive this, by choice….at first I gained strength through others, I lived for them…not for me.  How could I face the world when it felt that it crashed and left us with our guts ripped out?  No strength, no hope, no bright dreams…just a world we wanted to shut-off.  Never opened the cards we got, never answered the phone, never opened the blinds, never wanted to go out, never wanted to share any events…..just live in darkness, sobbing in my sleep….I had to live for others as I think I would still be in bed now sobbing.  Life moves on, and somehow you learn to live with the loss, you have to, somehow.  Finding your strength is the key, and it has to be your way.

For me, therapy did not work as I felt it took me to my knees and I could never get up.  Instead I created a website, I believed to be Caitlyn’s Wish somehow.  For six years now I have worked with thousands of parents, supporting them and having them share their story along with ours.  The website is my therapy, ongoing.  The sadness that is heavy, and feels like a brick on your chest is constant in the beginning then in time it eases, and returns in waves.  That is why my website is constant therapy, it is needed for my day-to-day survival.

Life will never be the same, and the saying “things happen for a reason” I no longer believe.  Today I have a new perceptive on life, and I do not stress over small things and live my life the best I can.  I bless the stars for having Caitlyn, she is always with me and I believe she surrounds herself with her younger sister and brother everyday.