by Jordan Washington
Patience in life ebbs and flows. It’s never completely consistent. Some days you have plenty, sometimes you may have just enough or none at all. A long NICU stay takes a toll on you where you start to feel like patience is nonexistent. You want nothing more than to go home, but as the days pass and the weeks start to add up, the longing to have your baby discharged seems to become unbearable. Depression starts to creep in, that little voice in the back of your mind drones on and on. Your NICU team tells you “hopefully only two more weeks…” Now you have gone from living to surviving.
This is where self care becomes especially important. This is where you tap into what you used to do before your baby was born, what you remember being interested in. Going through such a traumatic experience can easily make you forget that you once had your own interest. In fact, becoming a parent can make you feel that way altogether. Whether it was reading, drawing, photography, interpretive dance. Remembering what you liked, what you loved and bringing that into the beautiful life that you created.
When we made progress, it was easier, and when we took two or four steps back, it took more strength.
What we are going through is discouraging and anxiety-provoking to say the least. The longer the NICU stay, the harder it is to care for yourself. Having a support system in place to remind you that you are still a person becomes more crucial than ever here.
Here are some important things to remember during this difficult time.
It’s okay to ask for help
As parents, we often fancy ourselves super humans, able to take on anything at any time. Those that are a part of your support system may offer to help with chores, siblings, or meals. While it is reassuring to know the help is available, here comes that little voice in the back of your mind that causes you to feel deep guilt and shame for feeling like you need the help. A mother once described to me that she felt physically ill when those closest to her offered to help with everyday things. She felt she had it written on her face that she was indeed struggling to keep up.
Adding a NICU stay into an already busy life warrants a need for self-compassion.
Seeking professional help
Speaking to someone about your mental health is an amazing way to be present with and process your feelings. According to The National Library of Medicine, Postpartum depression (PPD) affects around 10% of women, or 1 in 7 women, after giving birth. Undiagnosed PPD was observed among 50% of mothers.
Taking care of you is the first step of taking care of your baby.
Become a part of the care team
When you have a baby, your first instinct is to care for them. Feeding, giving a bath, and rocking to sleep are some of the first imaginable things that parents shared they were excited to do when they found out they were pregnant. A NICU stay can make you feel like you have no control. You may feel shame or guilt because of what you feel you’re unable to do. Something that can help you regain control is to become as hands on as possible with your baby. Ask the nursing staff to teach you about care times, when they are and how you can participate. Do kangaroo care with your baby, and try it consistently at the same time throughout the stay.
Create routines for yourself at home, so you can control what comes next where you can. Routines will help you achieve a sense of normalcy during such a chaotic time in your life.
Nesting
It’s said that during pregnancy, nesting is a phase you go through during the second trimester where you have these bursts of energy and you feel like you can do anything. Nesting during a NICU stay looks different. Nesting during a long NICU stay looks even more different. When the NICU team starts to use phrases like “when you go home,” “At home you will be able to…” or “At discharge we will…,” you get excited, but not too excited. Then you realize there’s so much to be done to prepare! Nesting begins all over again. You may start to realize there are things you still need. Washing, cleaning, setting up cribs, bassinets and changing tables. Setting a prioritized schedule will help you to get anything of immediate need. Preparing to bring your baby home will also keep your mind focused.
Celebrate
Hearing the word “celebrate” in the NICU can be daunting, but there are things to glorify. Some parents are able to take their NICU stay day by day. For others that may be too overwhelming. Instead, celebrate the minutes, the hours, the good days, and that you and baby made it through the tough days. Celebrate the ounces gained, the milestones met, every increased feed. Hold on to the memory of their stretches, yawns, batting of the eyes, and even their smiles whether it’s from pure joy or gas. These moments are worth celebrating and keeping close to your heart.
Take care of yourself
If you aren’t taking care of yourself, you cannot take care of your baby in the NICU.
Holding it in
Parents in the NICU often mention “fighting back the tears” or “fighting the urge to cry.” The emotions that are welling up in you, the very emotions you may be suppressing, are completely valid. During a long stay these emotions have their highs and lows. Whether you feel angry, sad, or utterly exhausted to the point of tears, own that. It’s completely valid. It won’t mean that you have less strength, it won’t mean that you’re a bad parent. Can you imagine being strong all the time? Feel openly and with acceptance. It can release that tension in your neck and back, and it can even lighten the load on your heart. It’s okay not to be okay all the time.
Hearing the words neonatal intensive care can shake you to the core. To be there for such a long time can pretty much feel like becoming an outer shell of your former self, someone you don’t recognize. It can feel like falling down a rabbit hole, only hoping and wishing to finally reach the bottom. These are feelings I have felt, and as a Family Support Specialist, these are emotions I’ve seen on the faces of families I have supported. All that to say that a long NICU stay isn’t easy, the unknown isn’t easy, the waiting isn’t easy. What you’re feeling is valid. Give yourself grace, and rest assured that you are not alone. Remember to practice self-care, and celebrate the wins, take lots of pictures and bask in those special moments with your baby. It will get you through, even on the toughest of days.
