This post was originally published in 2013 and has been updated to ensure the content is current and relevant for NICU families.
One of your friends just landed themselves in the NICU. Let me guess. You want to help, but you have no idea what to say or what to do. Fear not, many of us who have been there have advice. Here are 10 suggestions for helping a friend in the NICU.
1. Ask the family if they have a meal calendar set up, and if not, volunteer to get it started.
While you’re at it, encourage folks to bring the meal in disposable dishes, along with a breakfast food for the family. That was always the toughest meal for me and my family to plan. It could be something as easy as a box of cereal and a gallon of milk. I have a few more helpful tips for bringing meals on my personal blog. And, if time is on your side, you might even go on a grocery run for the family.
2. Mow their lawn or shovel the snow, depending upon the season/region.
One morning we left for the NICU and when we arrived home our lawn was mowed and edged. We were floored. If you can’t do it yourself, consider hiring a friend or company to do it.
3. Don’t ask when the baby is coming home.
Trust me, if they knew, they’d be shouting it from the mountaintops. When the time comes, lend them the bullhorn so they can alert the tri-state area. Until then, avoid asking this question.
READ NEXT: 6 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A PREEMIE PARENT (AND WHAT TO SAY INSTEAD!)
4. Setup a carpool/playdate schedule for the kids.
Obviously, you need to ask permission first. But lining up folks to bring kids to and from school or extracurricular activities can be a huge burden lifted. In our case, we had family at the house to help, but putting them on pickup/dropoff duty in a system they didn’t understand was too stressful for this momma. Instead, we opted to have families n our community who knew “the drill” help us out.
5. If there’s a holiday coming up, consider decorating or doing an activity with the family.
During our NICU stay, fall and Halloween passed us by, but with the help of sweet friends our kids still enjoyed the holidays. Friends bought pumpkins and helped the kids carve and decorate them. It was a wonderful activity and infused a much-needed bit of normalcy into our lives.
6. Put together a gift basket full of useful items and drop it off on their porch.
Items to include: hand lotion, bottled water, gift cards to local restaurants/grocery stores, onesies that wrap rather than snap (easier with all those cords) and non-perishable snacks (granola bars, fruit snacks, etc.).
READ NEXT: IDEAS FOR A NICU CARE BASKET
7. Don’t get offended when they don’t call or write back.
Being a NICU parent is hard. Try to find ways to communicate with the family that allows them to respond when it’s convenient for them. Instead of calling, send a text message. Instead of dropping by, write an email. It’s often hard to balance it all. Cut them some slack.
8. Speaking of communication, ask if there’s a family spokesperson or if you can serve in that role.
Sometimes the family has a blog or CareFlash page, but they often need someone to field all the inquiries of how to help. If you’re close enough to the family, consider volunteering in this capacity. Just make sure you’re a help, not a hindrance.
9. Take up a collection.
If you feel so inclined, you might ask close friends and relatives to donate money. The family can hire a babysitter upon discharge, pay off medical bills or go out on a much-needed date.
Coloring pages and posterboards friends sent to decorate Luke’s NICU door
10. Send a card or decorate a poster board to let them know they’re loved and cared for during those difficult days.
Some cards we received were from folks we knew and others were sent anonymously. Each one touched us deeply and came at just the right moment.
BONUS: Call a local photographer and ask if they take NICU photos.
Many do, for free. Even though the stay is stressful, parents want to document their preemie’s progress. There are also bereavement photographers who lovingly, and respectfully, take photos free of charge for families.
However you choose to support a family who finds themselves in the NICU, do every act with love. Trust me, your kindness will be a great blessing!
READ NEXT: HOW TO HELP A NICU FAMILY
Thank-you for this list – it’s very practical in terms of physical and emotional help.
Would love to connect with you – I adore your blog and find it to be a great resource.
My husband and I started a non-profit in Alberta after our NICU stretch, and find it’s the little things like checking in with parents, listening, and dropping off coffee that can make such a difference in the tone of a day.
My husband and I have started Right Beside You, a non-profit support group in Alberta, for parents with children in NICU. Maybe it’s my way of not just giving back, but processing what we went through.
I also have a list of how to support parents.
https://www.cnsf.ca/Tips_for_NICU_Families.html
Great ideas! Our closest NICU is quite a distance away and whenever we have someone in our community with a baby in NICU, we collect money for gas cards. Making lots of trips back and forth really eats gas and some of the bigger service centers allow you to buy food on the gas cards as well.
Jill, what a great addition to the list. Thank you for sharing!
Callie, thank you for the links and resource. I’ll connect with you directly via email.
Gas cards are a great idea! When we were in the NICU to closest one was 3 hours away….drove it every single day (Mommy and Daddy still have to go to work ; ( )…..We even wore out a set of tires going back and forth and of course we young dumb and poor (our first child) and couldn’t afford a new set or even a used tire for that matter…a family friend noticed our bald tires and told us we shouldn’t be driving around on those tires as they were a threat to our safety and insisted we borrow his vehicle for that day’s trip…We really didn’t want to but he insisted when we returned his car later that evening, we found that he had stashed more than enough money in our car for a new set of tires, an act he denied the rest of his years
What an awesome gift!
What wonderful ideas! As a NICU nurse, I see firsthand the stress that a NICU stay has on parents. What we don’t see is the continued stress once the baby goes home. Many babies that have been in NICU will have special needs once they go home. Offer to babysit siblings so the parents can take the baby to the Dr without the hassle of dealing with the other kids. Keep those meals coming! They really need them now! Gift cards for local spas are a godsend as are takeout resturant cards. And most of all, thanks to all of you for your support to all of our special parents.